The Reneé O'Connor Show
by Phil D. Hernandez
Summary: Imagine if "Xena: Warrior Princess" had been a sitcom...


**The Reneé O'Connor Show**

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An SCTV Studios Production

Thursday nights at 9 pm EST  
_Coming soon to The WB!_

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STARRING

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Reneé O'Connor as Gabrielle  
_AND  
_**Reneé O'Connor** as Hope

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ALSO STARRING  
**Lucy Lawless** as Xena  
**Ted Raimi** as Joxer

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FEATURING  
**Geoff Snell** as Herodotus  
**Lisa Crittenden** as Hecuba  
**Darien Takle** as Cyrene  
**Willa O'Neill** as Lila  
**Scott Garrison** as Perdicas

When mother and daughter are two of a kind, things will never be the same again in the sleepy little village of Poteidaia. These aren't your average Gilmore Girls! Gabrielle's new best friend Xena, Warrior Princess, is going to need all of her many skills to straighten out the mess when people mistake Gabrielle for Hope – and vice versa! Oh, and did we mention that Hope has telekinetic powers? As if things weren't bizarre enough, Joxer is in love with Gabrielle, but Hope has a crush on Joxer! Uh-oh!

_The Reneé O'Connor Show_ is created especially for SCTV Studios by the talented team of Carlos/Burros/Carlos, Dawn Reo and comedy writers Jeannie Stephens and Samantha Nelson.

We are proud to showcase the outstanding and funny Reneé O'Connor, who has previously starred in the TV movie _The Rockford Files: Blessing in Disguise_ and the direct-to-video release _Darkman 2: the Return of Durand._ She hails from Austin, Texas.

Newcomer Lucy Lawless has appeared in numerous productions in her native Auckland, New Zealand. She is a recent Mrs. New Zealand.

Ted Raimi, best known for his unusual roles in the _Evil Dead_ series of horror movies and star of _Lunatics: a Love Story_ and _Skinner,_ also starred as Lt. Tim O'Neill in the NBC television series _seaQuest: DSV._ He appeared in the Harrison Ford movie _Clear and Present Danger_. Raimi comes from Detroit, and is the brother of producer Sam Raimi.

A complete first season of 25 episodes has been filmed. Here is a synopsis of the stories:

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Episode 1: **You Can Go Home Again**

Teenage single mother Gabrielle returns to Poteidaia with her unusual daughter Hope. Unusual, because Hope is fully grown, has telekinetic powers and looks exactly like her mother! Also new in town are Xena, Warrior Princess, who has come to settle down with _her_ mother, Cyrene – ashamed of Xena's warlord past, Cyrene had moved from Amphipolis to Poteidaia and opened up Cyrene's Inn and Malt Shop; Joxer, a traveling minstrel from Athens who promptly falls in love with Gabrielle; and Draco the warlord, whose plans to loot Poteidaia are thwarted by Xena and the surprisingly deadly Hope. Gabrielle has to remind Hope that marauders are one thing, but it's not nice to kill the neighbors. Meanwhile, Xena and her mother are reconciled, and the Warrior Princess decides to work at the malt shop while taking a part-time job as head of the Poteidaia militia. Guest star: Jay Laga'aia as Draco.

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Episode 2: **Your Cheatin' Heart**

Because Gabrielle is a bard, Joxer suggests they team up. Naturally, this gives Joxer a chance to get closer to Gabby! Gabrielle thinks teaming up is a good idea, and agrees to meet him at the malt shop. However, Hope is smitten by Joxer and also turns up to complicate things. In a series of distractions, Joxer alternately faces a cool Gabrielle and a hot Hope – until Xena figures out what's going on! Gabby does agree to partner with Joxer, but reveals that she still has feelings for her old boyfriend Perdicas. The bard is crushed in turn when Perdicas walks into the malt shop with her sister Lila on his arm.

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Episode 3: **Tears on My Pillow**

Hope loves her identical twin mom, so she decides to help her get Perdicas back by temporarily sealing her Aunt Lila in a cave and going out with Perdicas herself, pretending to be Gabrielle. That way Hope can have a shot at Joxer! The plan backfires, as such plans do, leaving Gabrielle with a heart more broken than before. Xena and Perdicas rescue Lila, and Hope is grounded.

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Episode 4: **Poteidaia P.T.A.**

The law says that Hope must go to school, but her short skirt and bare midriff (not to mention her mom's) are deemed inappropriate attire. Gabrielle is summoned to face the P.T.A. but with the help of inside information from Lila, Perdicas and Joxer – and some snooping by Xena – she turns the tables on them. Gabrielle's own parents, Hecuba and Herodotus, also appear before the P.T.A. and point out that Hope is under six years of age and is not legally required to go to school after all! Guest star: Stuart Devenie as the head of the Poteidaia P.T.A.

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Episode 5: **I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar**

Hope wasn't the only surprise Gabrielle had to spring on her family. Now the Amazons have come to claim their queen: Gabrielle! Joxer makes a big miscalculation by trying to defend her from her subjects, but the Amazons make an even bigger one when they take Joxer prisoner. Xena and Gabrielle rescue Joxer while Hope gives several Amazons a flying lesson. Finally, Ephiny agrees to rule in Gabrielle's name. Guest stars: Danielle Cormack as Ephiny and Jodie Dorday as Solari.

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Episode 6: **Hope Sinks**

Gabrielle and Hope are accused of witchcraft, and there are some Poteidaians who would love to see them both burn, and their friends with them. Xena is not about to let Gabrielle go down without a fight, however. A bloodbath is imminent – until Hope challenges her accusers to give her the trial by water! Guest star: Stuart Devenie.

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Episode 7: ** Matchmaker, Matchmaker**

Cyrene wants to fix Xena up with a man. She enlists Gabrielle in her scheme. Gabby wants a breather from Joxer, so she arranges for him to be Xena's blind date. Naturally, Joxer thinks Gabby wants to go out with him! Hope, meanwhile, tries to disguise herself as Xena, but she forgot to put lifts in her boots

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Episode 8: **Hot August Night**

Sister Najara's Traveling Salvation Show and Anti-Slavery Crusade cruises into Poteidaia. Disappointed because there are no slavers or pirates in Poteidaia for Najara to dispatch to the light, she concentrates on Xena. Gabrielle thinks she has a new friend but when Najara declares that Xena's conversion to the greater good isn't sincere, Gabby has to act fast before Najara kills somebody! Guest star: Kathryn Morris as Najara.

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Episode 9: **Hooked on Psionics**

Hope's powers are out of control! Gabrielle wakes up in the middle of the night to discover that her sleeping daughter is juggling her, her blankets and her bed! Nothing and no one is safe until Hope can solve the problem. Meanwhile, Zagreus and his army are headed for Poteidaia. Is his timing bad, or what? Guest star: Willy deWit as Zagreus.

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Episode 10: **Whose Gherkin?**

Hecuba's pickle recipe is the perennial favorite at the Pallene Peninsula Fair. When Hope upsets a batch of Hecuba's pickles, the girl tries to cover up the accident, as do Gabrielle and Lila. Each of them makes a batch of pickles to help out. Now it's fair time, but which jar of pickles is really Hecuba's? Will Cyrene take the blue ribbon this year instead? Guest star: Alison Wall as chief pickle-tasting judge Minya.

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Episode 11: **Double Vision**

Heads start spinning in Poteidaia when Joxer's identical brother Jace shows up to perform in concert with his band at the malt shop. Backup singer/dancer Meg – who looks just like Xena – has a fancy for Jace, and mistakes Joxer for him. Jace's other backup singer/dancer, Althea, looks just like Lila! Hope, of course, mistakes Jace for Joxer, and Xena for Meg, and Perdicasyou get the idea.

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Episode 12: **My Boyfriend's Back**

There's a good reason why Xena doesn't like to reminisce about her past. Actually, there are many good reasons. One of them is Ares, the God of War, who wants to worm his way back into Xena's heart. Trying to turn Poteidaian farmers and fishermen into soldiers probably won't do the trick, however. Can Gabrielle and Hope confuse Ares enough so Xena can dump him again? Guest star: Kevin Smith as Ares.

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Episode 13: **PMS and the Single Girls**

Joxer finally lands a date with Gabrielle, but on the appointed day.and while the date from Hell is going on, Lila has a fight with Perdicas, and Xena is the waitress nobody wants. Poor Joxer is ready to give Hope a chance, but mother and daughter are identical in _that_ respect, too. Cyrene serves chocolate ice cream, which distracts the four angry young women long enough for her to sneak Joxer and Perdicas out of the malt shop.

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Episode 14: **A Wand'ring Minstrel I**

A handsome bard comes to Poteidaia, and Gabrielle is caught: hook, line and sinker. He's good, too: so good that a discouraged Joxer is thinking about leaving town. But is he too good to be true? Xena thinks so, and schemes with Hope to prove it. Apparently Gabrielle's heart isn't the only thing he's trying to steal! Guest star: Bruce Campbell as Autolycus.

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Episode 15: **Burning Down the House**

The mad warrior woman Callisto wants to take revenge on the Warrior Princess because Callisto's family died when Xena's army destroyed her village. Callisto is a firebug at heart, and when a rash of mysterious arson attempts strike Poteidaia, Hope is blamed. When Gabrielle is mistaken for Hope again, Xena has to find and neutralize the real culprit before Gabby is lynched! Guest star: Hudson Leick as Callisto.

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Episode 16: **A Hazy Shade of Winter**

At the Winter Ball, it's the girls who ask the guys out. Hope, pretending to be Gabrielle, asks Joxer to escort her. But Gabrielle doesn't have a date and decides to ask Joxer herself! Did we mention that Hope and Gabrielle have identical party dresses? This just might be Lila's best chance to be voted Winter Queen.

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Episode 17: **The Love Boat**

Gabrielle and Joxer win a bard competition, first prize being an Aegean cruise. Naturally Hope stows away, looking for any opportunity to get close to Joxer. Cyrene also comes along as chaperone (and to give Joxer CPR when he sees Gabrielle in a bikini) and meets a distinguished, if slightly tipsy, gentleman. Guest stars: Gavin McLeod, Bernie Kopell, Lauren Tewes, Ted Lange, Rep. Fred Grandy (R-Iowa) and Tim Thomerson as Meleager the Mighty.

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Episode 18: **The Cybill**

Gabrielle's erratic powers of prophecy actually run in the family. Hecuba's sister has come to visit, worried about a vision that her best friend's ex-husband, Dr. Dahak, is Hope's father and may still have designs on the girl. As for The Cybill's best friend, Mary Ann, will Hecuba and Herodotus be able to keep up with her seemingly bottomless dipsomania? Guest stars: Cybill Shepard as The Cybill, and Christine Baranski as Mary Ann.

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Episode 19: **Amazon Grace**

Velasca, the pretender to the Amazon throne, wants to seize power by killing the legitimate queen, Gabrielle. However, it's Hope she bops on the head! Now it's up to Xena, Gabrielle and the gang to rescue Hope before Velasca drags her behind a horse all the way to Amazon country! Guest stars: Melinda Clarke as Velasca, Danielle Cormack as Ephiny and Jodie Dorday as Solari.

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Episode 20: **Double Your Pleasure**

Joxer makes a plea to Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, to straighten out his love triangle. Unfortunately, she misunderstands him. Now Gabrielle is madly in love with Joxer, but Hope still loves him just as madly! Will Xena be able to get Aphrodite to fix the mess before Joxer dies from an overload of affection – or the scandalized Poteidaians throw him in the stocks (or worse)? Guest stars: Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite, Stuart Devenie.

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Episode 21: **I Shot the Sheriff**

A traveling lawman dies under mysterious circumstances while visiting Poteidaia, and all clues point to Xena as the killer. Gabrielle desperately tries to defend her best friend against the charges. Why is Ares, the God of War, interested? Did he pretend to be the victim? And why did he try to take out Gabrielle? He would have pulled it off if he had checked to see whom he was attacking – Hope! Guest star: Kevin Smith as Ares.

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Episode 22:** Love on a Rooftop**

Hope still hasn't given up on getting her mother back with Perdicas so Hope can pursue Joxer. She tricks Gabrielle and Perdicas into visiting a famous tower. When they reach the top, Hope uses her telekinetic powers to lock all the doors shut! Unfortunately, Joxer and Lila were trapped up there with them! Xena climbs the tower to perform a dramatic rescue. Guest star: Judy Carne.

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Episode 23: **Father Knows Best**

Joxer's last date was incredibly hot, but he didn't know it was with Hope instead of Gabrielle! When Joxer tries the next day to pick up where he left off, Gabby tweaks his nose and stops speaking to him. When Hope reveals the truth, Gabrielle stops speaking to her, too! Time for Herodotus to calm his daughter down and remind Joxer that women are unpredictable even at the best of times. Guest stars: Elinor Donahue, Lauren Chapin.

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Episode 24: **Be My Baby**

Dr. Dahak wants to get back into the world by duping people into believing that they can achieve better living through chemistry. When Hope refuses to go along with her father's scheme, he reverts her to what should have been her true age! Gabrielle now has to contend with a squalling telekinetic baby while she and the gang try to help Xena fight Dr. Dahak's minions. Part one of two. Guest stars: Howard Stern as Dr. Dahak, Wil Wheaton as the High Priest and Britney Spears as the Chief Nurse.

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Episode 25: **Baby, Baby**

The Cybill and Mary Ann return to plague Dr. Dahak and maybe bring Hope back to At least Joxer hopes they can, because his arms are getting tired – he's the only person besides Gabrielle who can hold baby Hope without her crying her lungs out! He's not very happy about changing Hope's diapers, either, but he figures that if he helps Gabrielle out she might think about marrying him. Xena fights a last-ditch stand to send Dr. Dahak back whence he came. Guest stars: Cybill Shepard, Christine Baranski, Howard Stern, Wil Wheaton and Britney Spears.

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END OF SEASON ONE

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Disclaimer:  
No classic television programs were harmed in the writing of this parody.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE:  
Okay, you know the drill. _Xena: Warrior Princess,_ Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of USA Network and Renaissance Pictures. _Cybill_ belongs to Jay Daniel Productions and River Siren Productions, among others. _The Love Boat_ belongs to Aaron Spelling. SCTV belongs to Second City. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this parody. Various real actors are named in proper context; there is no intent to defame them. All else is © 2003 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the idea. It cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices. Got it?

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Comments:  
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer, Ted Raimi or Gabrielle-Joxer romance, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at **BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com** .

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Additional stories:  
For something in a more conventional vein, try the author's website, _The Subtlety of Pickett's Charge,_ at **** .


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